Anyone know any albanians? I've got the sudden urge to register you.can.call.me.al (or even youcancallme.al). Don't ask me why - I think i'm having a funny turn.
Graf <graf@graf.org>
- Thursday, SCHMOODENSFELT, 2000 at 14:48:24 (GMT)

Interesting fact number 4353434: Chris Rea's uncontrollable (and embarassing) fear of Sellotape was cured by Schmoodensflet, with merely a comb and an assortment of broken candles.
John
- Wednesday, SCHMOODENSFELT, 2000 at 17:04:15 (GMT)

Remember 7pm tonight is Schmoodensfelt Ist-Jakte-Heure! I hope you all have your old sock and bar of dairy milk ready!
John
- Wednesday, SCHMOODENSFELT, 2000 at 14:47:17 (GMT)

It is good to see the story of Schmoodensfelt again, unfortunately, you've cut it a little short. Below is an extract from 'Schmoodensfelt: Man or Myth' which adds a little more flavour to the story.

"Schmoodensfelt had turned hideously bitter in his old age, knitting man traps and sewing the ears of small children together. By the 1930s, his Empire in Turkey was falling apart, most of his followers had wandered up to Poland and settled there. Schmoodensfelt was a little angry about the whole thing and in a fit of rage ate his hat with a side order of the Black Forest. Thus his interests in Poland were purely sexual, and the German Schmoodensfelt supporters felt this lust along with him. His Birthday celebration in at Nuremburg in 1932 was a huge success, in fact so successful that one of his greatest followers held his own rally there some years later.

In 1936, he finished his first book 'Poland: Thankyou for sucking the life out of Turkey' which was later plagiarised and recovered by an follower to be called 'Mein Kampf'. Three years later, Schmoodensfelt decided to go on holiday to Poland to try and sell cheese and warn them of the dangers of their pitiful existence. Unfortunately, all his followers went with him which started World War II.

The last sighting of Schmoodensfelt was by a German Scientist who though he saw him sitting on top of a V1 'Doodlebug' toward the end of the war. He had fitted a pair of antlers and reigns to it. After the missile was fired, Schmoodensfelt was not seen again."

A sad but fitting reminder of this great man.

I fucking love you. John.
DSP
- Tuesday, SCHMOODENSFELT, 2000 at 14:54:09 (GMT)

Look you miserable bastards, I went to all this effort to let you join in on the schmoodensfelt festivities and not a single bloody one of you has even so much as looked have you? Well you're all shit. I think I might just delete my whole website, I mean, whats the bloody point? HELLLLOOOOO!!!! Like, REACT please.
John
- Tuesday, SCHMOODENSFELT, 2000 at 14:46:28 (GMT)

For those of you not in the know, Schmoodensfelt is a special month where we celebrate the life and times of Dr Schmoodensfelt. Dr Ernest Heimwarte Gesumpteheite Schwarz Valde Kirsch Torte Schmoodensfelt, or "Schmoody" to his friends, (or "Geschmint gaschterheise... DU SINT DU GEEEBRUCKEN!" to his wife), was a German scientist of rare vision. His ground breaking research centred around the affect that an intrinsically stupid date system had on the normal working man. Schmoodenfelt's third theory, perhaps his most famous, gives rise to this special holiday time. In this he postulated, and I quote, "Whats all this february 29th business about, it's plain shit, I bloody bloody bloody hate it.".

Schmoodensfelt was born in February, 1896, in a Cheese Maker's cottage 5 miles south of Munich, then again, 2 weeks later, a further 8 miles south of Munich, in the same cottage, owing to an earlier cartographical error. His father, Ergenheimen Schmoodensfelt, was a Mongol Invader and part-time DIY enthusiast. His mother, Heidi, was a prominent member of the Leisburg side parting standards inspectorate, and world famous for her unusual faint odour of pine furniture.

Being born in a leap year on February 29th really got Dr Schmoodenfelt's goat, so to speak. Throughout his life he was described as an angry, bitter, disillusioned man, and so was a natural choice to be in charge of the creche at Mergsheimer University. Amongst his other academic duties during his remarkable 94 year stay there he was responsible for the bi-weekly kettle abuse ceremony, all decisions regarding wool, and the favouruite pastime of the locals - Schmegregesunterwaste, which is yet to be translated.

At four years of age, Schmoodensfelt, robbed of his first birthday due to an enfuriating century leap year clause, went on a rampage across Turkey, laying waste to Istanbul and Hamoooood (a lesser known town to the South), and distributing leaflets to concerned house-wives about the dangers of limescale build-up. Consequently a golden era begain in Turkey, as, after all, none of them really liked Hamoooood that much in the first place, and no genuine Turkish people could afford to live in Istanbul since all those bloody foreigners moved in. For a short time, Islam was put on the back burner and Schmoodensfelt (or Hai-Harami as they called him) became Turkey's major religous icon, making frequent mass sermons and talk show appearances.

Meanwhile, back in Germany, the population grieved Schmoodensfelt's leaving, and set upon a plan to conquer the world, in a desperate attempt to, errr, well, mainly to conquer the world really, but as a side issue it'd be nice to invade Turkey and bring Schmoodensfelt back to his homeland. Thus the first world war ensued, which wasn't so nice really. At the end of it Schmoodensfelt was still in Turkey. Schmoodenfelt finally returned to his birthplace in 1925, lured by a bright young Austrian girl armed only with a wicker basket, four dozen frankfurters, a 1921 copy of the Daily Express and a convincing Charlie Chaplin disguise kit...
Dr Inge Maldiehausen
The Schmoodensfelt Research Institute, Gescheterheisen, Munich - Tuesday, SCHMOODENSFELT, 2000 at 10:57:07 (GMT)

HEYYYYY EVERYBODY!!!!