Shaking Hands

Posted on 2002/09/18 16:48:37 (September 2002) by john.

Why does this plague me with so much mental turmoil?

I seem to have developed a bizarre neurosis about having to shake people's hand when mine aren't clean. I'm sure a therapist would tell me this is routed in deep self disgust or something like that (and then charge me several hundred pounds for the privilege). How does one deal with this? After some thorough investigation I was appalled by the lack of teaching time this seems to take up in the national curriculum, despite being probably one of the most important life skills I can think of. So, in a selfless attempt to help others, I thought I'd use this as an opportunity to highlight the major problem areas and then attempt to offer some advice.

1. Household chores. These aren't so bad. If you've just emptied the bin, been pulling out weeds, painting, cleaning the bath or something like that, you can almost always get away with an "excuse me while I wash my hands first". No real problems here. There's no stigma attached to household chores. Best still if some kind of dirt is evident on your hands. Show it to the potential shakee, they'll appreciate it. This might not be so apparent if you've emptied the bin, say. However, if they're really insistent you can make them smell your hands first. If they've got a cold (or no nose) get a friend to smell them for you.
2. Sweat. This can be a bit tricky. If your hands are a bit sweaty and you have to shake with someone this sends a clear message that you are (A) unhealthy and (B) some kind of weirdo. Rubbing your hands on your trousers first only makes matters worse (a habit I seem to have almost unthinkingly adopted).
3. Toilet. This really is your own fault. If you've been to the toilet, not washed your hands, and then are expected to shake someone's hands, the ensuing personal tragedy you will face is a deserved one. Occasionally though, taps in bathrooms don't work, or a volcanic eruption or earthquake distracts you and you forget. Whether to tell them you won't shake their hand because you've just been to the toilet and not washed yours, or whether to lie and make up some other excuse, or whether to just shake hands regardless and pass on all that nasty bacteria, is really up to you.
4. Sneezing. This has to be the worst. I don't carry a handkerchief around, and I imagine even if I did I wouldn't usually be able to locate it in time. I often seem to sneeze on trains for no apparent reason, and, if sitting opposite a fellow passenger it seems only polite to put my hands in front of my face. (As an aside here, it's important to keep your fingers together, I once didn't and sneezed on an American by mistake). Anyway, yes, there you are, you've just sneezed on your hands, what are you to do? No hand washing facilities available, and, in the next few minutes, no matter where you are on the planet, you can guarantee you'll bump into your girlfriend's father, your boss, Richard Branson, and the Bishop of Leicester, all of whom will expect a good firm handshake. My advice? Spontaneous combustion. Immediately prior to shaking the person's hands, explode into a ball of flame. This should cause a sufficient distraction for them to forget about shaking your hand.
5. Toxic waste, pathogens, radioactive material. Is that all? Stop whimpering, this isn't nearly as socially embarassing as having sneezed all over your hands.

I have some others that I have had trouble with in the past:

6. Fixing Car Engine Your hands are covered in oil. You know that sandblasting them won't get them entirely clean. You really want to shake the hand of the interested party. But you can't. In this case you have to say "I'd shake your hand but...". Huge faux pas.

7. Aiding a constipated Cow. Imagine it, you've got a cow what can't poo. You're doing your damndest to help it out. The Vet arrives. You remove your arm from the cow to shake him by the hand. It's a whole world of not good.

Also, John, You've been rubbing your leg before shaking hands for as long as I've known you. If you didn't do it, I'd be suspicious!

Posted by Rob Lang at 2002/09/19 10:15:10.

Thanks Rob, it is immenseley reassuring to know it's not just me.

Posted by john at 2002/09/19 13:00:51.

I wonder how many people out there are living in fear because of the worry that greets them when they feel obliged to shake hands? Perhaps there are people trapped inside their homes, scared of having to be polite and offer someone their hand.

If this is the case, then something needs to be done. I recommend we set up a special organisation called 'British Institute for Totally Clean Hands' (BITCH). To get inside Bitch, all you would need to do is publish some ropey science within the field or be a sufferer of hand shake syndrome.

What do you think?

Posted by Rob Lang at 2002/09/20 10:40:10.

Here's a worrying addition to this saga. It transpires that Mussolini invented the fascist salute, which Hitler then later adopted. Apparently, the only reason Mussolini came up with it in the first place was because he thought it was unhygienic to shake people's hands!!! I read this last night. Rob - it was in that book about eccentrics you gave me. I think we're looking at a far more serious issue than I at first anticipated! My somewhat jokey point about this not being in the national curriculum suddenly takes on a whole new light. This proves it - lack of education about shaking unclean hands will eventually lead to fascist uprisings and world war. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Posted by john at 2002/09/20 11:10:53.

Rob, I think we are on the brink of the most important contribution we will ever make to humanity. You and I will bring about world peace through BITCH and perhaps, on a more global scale, WHORE - the Worldwide Hygienic Organisation for the Reintroduction of Equilibrium.

Posted by john at 2002/09/20 11:17:45.

This is worrying indeed, John. Through BITCH and WHORE we can attempt to include Cleanliness Under Nato Treaty and work harder towards a world where children grow up not to be fascists because they have clean hands!!!

Posted by Rob Lang at 2002/09/20 24:32:42.

I hate it when:

8: You've been to the toilet AND washed your hands. With soap and everything. And WHERE IS THE TOWEL? Again, this will almost certainly lead to a situation where you need to shake hands. Why? -Cause and Effect. I'm not sure that it's actually all that bad to have wet hands - hey you washed 'em - but...

9: You've been eating finger food - say crisps in a bar - and you need to shake hands. Doh. You have two choices basically. Do the Vic Reeves trouser wipe or don't bother. Either way, you'll deposit crisps, salt and flavouring all over either your nicely cleaned and ironed (thanks Sarah!) trouesers or your buddy's hand.

I say don't shake hands. Join the Shanking Hands Is Terrible group with me!

Posted by rowanboy at 2002/09/21 18:38:58.

I forgot about shaking Richard Bransons hand. I'm surprised we came away with all our fingers.

Posted by Jill at 2002/09/22 11:53:13.

Good grief Jill - what are the chances that probably the only person who would understand that reference happened to also read this article? Amazing! Or are you just plain stalking me? Weirdo!

Posted by John at 2002/09/23 11:56:21.

Not stalking. Just unemployed.

Posted by Jill at 2002/09/26 22:19:47.

Why would a person shake hands with their keys in their right hand?

Posted by John B. at 2004/06/24 07:09:54.

Post a comment