Curling

Posted on 2002/12/01 16:46:45 (December 2002) by john.

What is this madness?

I have been trying for a while now to understand what the bizarre art of curling is all about. To this end I decided to produce a blow by blow account of what goes on in a typical session, and in the hope of greater understanding I am now sharing my findings with you all. I'm still very confused.

[1] Here we are at the start. Down one end of the alley type thing are three of the participants. The lazy slothish one is crouched down, holding a round thing, the other two more proactive team members are standing up, with brushes.	[2] Down the other end of an alley, there seems to be time for a quick spot of fishing through a whole in the ice before the game begins.	[3] And they're off! It isn't clear how the crouching down person is propelled. My theory is that it is somehow achieved using electromagnets. Or, alternatively, the whole ritual takes place under water (slightly warm), and she was filled with baking soda prior to the event. How they keep the ice from melting in that scenario, I'm not sure. Whatever mechanism is employed, it obviously holds some degree of awe for the two brush bearers, who are eagerly watching her.
[4] There seems to be a red line here. Apparently, this is a signal to the bone idle person, who hasn't even stood up yet, to give up and let go of the round thingy.	[5] I tried sitting like this myself and it just wasn't comfortable. Especially with the added chill factor of being on ice, with naught but a cheap pair of tracky bottoms to keep your legs warm. This leads us to an interesting socio-psychological evaluation of the individual in question; she is both lazy and seems to enjoy being incredibly uncomfortable. We shall name this curious behaviourial trait lethargo-masochism. The brushing people are by this point furiously cleaning the alley. They may be competing with each other - perhaps each is responsible for keeping their own half of the alley spick and span? Imagine the anarchy were a full bladdered dog to wander onto the alley at this point.	[6] Meanwhile, down the other end, the fourth team member has given up ice fishing, and seemingly is attempting to use her Jedi powers to control the movement of the round thing. It must be very distracting when those other two are constantly trying to clean the floor. Furthermore, she seems to have a brush head stuck on the end of her light sabre. You wouldn't see Obe Wan Kenobe in such a state now would you?
[7] The brushers seem to have arrived at a second red line. I am unsure of the significance of this one, but this may be the signal for them too to become lethargic and apathetic about the whole thing. The Jedi knight in the foreground seems to have already collected a number of the round things, and has contained them in some kind of force field, denoted by the blue aura.	[8] An enemy seems to have penetrated the Jedi's force field. A bloody battle will now ensue.	[9] Luckily, it seems no blood was spilt. Just time for one last quick brush before the neighbours arrive for afternoon tea.

This "Curling" is complicated stuff indeed. I'm pleased you've explained it all - it certainly is a fine account! But I can't see anything being "Curled", or anything "Curly" associated with it at all. Can you help?

Posted by Jimmy at 2002/12/02 09:24:15.

You were bored again this weekend wern't you?

Posted by rowanboy at 2002/12/02 14:27:24.

I think curling would be much more interesting if the stones were actually explosives and the ice was actually a thin thing over a ice-cold lake. The game would take over a new dimension with people slipping in over the thin bits and then bits of them blowing up.

Of course, this would not put the Scots off, after all, charging to their certain death and throwing trees is all part of their way of life.

It's nice to see that Britain has invented another sport it can be good at for a while. Soon though, everyone with a bit of ice and some brushes will be doing it and we will soon be kicked off the top spot. At this point, we'll invent another sport.

Posted by Rob Lang at 2002/12/02 14:33:01.

In that case, I'd like to propose queuing as an olympic sport. There'd be stiff competition between us and the Japanese, but the rest of the world wouldn't get a look in.

Posted by John at 2002/12/05 18:02:36.

Or more adventurously, extreme queuing. Trying to maintain an orderly queue whilst falling out of an aeroplane, and so on.

Posted by John at 2002/12/05 18:03:22.

The ability to queue is something that only we have. Not so much of a sport, more a national epidemic.

Posted by Rob Lang at 2002/12/06 10:41:21.

OK, I curl and I must admit that was pretty funny.

Nothing worse than the enemy penetrating your force field...

Posted by Devilvern at 2003/01/10 18:45:51.

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