Vocal Surgery

Posted on 2003/01/14 09:21:44 (January 2003) by john.

A brief insight into the kind of pointless crap that fills my brain.

Whilst half asleep, lying in bed this morning, having one of those long rambling thinking sessions, I started considering how I might quite like to be a radio presenter. I then remembered my Mum saying when I was young that only certain types of voices are good for that kind of job (or words to that effect). I think there must be some truth in this - radio presenters fall into a few fairly well defined categories in their voices, when you closely examine them, and do not fully represent the broad spectrum of all possible human voices. So, assumedly, there must be some people in the world with a burning ambition to be a radio presenter, that can never get a job because they sound too much like Donald Duck, or whatever. I began to wonder, quite pointlessly, if it was possible to change your voice. This isn't as rediculous as it sounds. In the very superficial world of "showbiz" celebrities, it seems to be quite accepted to have plastic surgery to tweak your appearance one way or another. There's even, if you recall, that story about a girl getting her legs extended on the NHS so she could become an air hostess (as an aside, I've always thought the excuse about having to be able to reach the overhead lockers was a very poor lie). Why not then, correspondingly, have some kind of vocal surgery for people who aspire to be radio presenters. Or indeed to help people to sing better? Or to be better plublic speakers? Or to just stop sounding so damn irritating?

It was indeed a thoroughly pointless train of thought, but one I thought I would share with you all regardless. Thanks for listening.

It would probably only be a case of shortening or lengthening the vocal cords to change pitch... then you'd have to relearn how to move your tongue and lips to channel that sound. Which is how a decent impressionist must do it right??

Posted by rowanboy at 2003/01/14 09:27:00.

For some, though, there would need to be more than just vocal surgery.

- Decockneyfication. For Londoners or Mockneys from Whitley. Enhances elocution and the ability to use constonants.

I'll post more when I think of them.

Posted by Rob Lang at 2003/01/14 10:38:24.

- Club Singer Implantation. A singing modification which removes all the constonants and adds an incredible tremello to every drawn out note. You'll recognise the tune but the words will be mystery.

Posted by Rob Lang at 2003/01/14 17:26:20.

Full Frontal Aristocratomy - Designed to increase the accpetability of one's speech at Eton, this modification includes the installation of suitable phrases such as "Yaa. Boo. Sucks", "Pass the Port, Gerald" and "Pater! Mater says Cook has finished the Fois Grois!".

Posted by rowanboy at 2003/01/14 18:03:35.

Try lava laser voice surgery

Posted by tim at 2003/04/15 19:38:31.

I inspired Britney Spears alot and I wish I could have a singing voice like hers. But I sound terrible when I sing.

Posted by Maria Mancha at 2004/01/25 07:47:22.

During a woman's menstrual cycle, her estrogen drops and therefore loses certain abilities in singing. SO, a new surgery has been created for the vocal cords so when a women does have her period, she won't crack or screw up during a performance. Personally, I think this is pointless. Why not just do what they did in old day Opera Houses and give the women a fucking break while she's menstruating?!

Posted by Jenna Cunningham at 2004/09/16 17:55:31.

During a woman's menstrual cycle, her estrogen drops and therefore loses certain abilities in singing. SO, a new surgery has been created for the vocal cords so when a women does have her period, she won't crack or screw up during a performance. Personally, I think this is pointless. Why not just do what they did in old day Opera Houses and give the women a fucking break while she's menstruating?!

Posted by Jenna Cunningham at 2004/09/16 17:55:47.

During a woman's menstrual cycle, her estrogen drops and therefore loses certain abilities in singing. SO, a new surgery has been created for the vocal cords so when a women does have her period, she won't crack or screw up during a performance. Personally, I think this is pointless. Why not just do what they did in old day Opera Houses and give the women a fucking break while she's menstruating?!

Posted by Jenna Cunningham at 2004/09/16 17:56:10.

During a woman's menstrual cycle, her estrogen drops and therefore loses certain abilities in singing. SO, a new surgery has been created for the vocal cords so when a women does have her period, she won't crack or screw up during a performance. Personally, I think this is pointless. Why not just do what they did in old day Opera Houses and give the women a fucking break while she's menstruating?!

Posted by Jenna Cunningham at 2004/09/16 17:56:57.

I think that would be something that could help me. My voice is very deep and inaudible. Im tired of repeating myself, and people mimicing my vioce (them not even taking it seriously) as a form of entertainment, which I don't appreciate to say the least. I can also imagine that girls don't find my voice sexy or attractive, which is most likely one reason Im single. Since what we hear when we speak, is usually not what others hear, surgery to change vocal tones should be based upon sharpening the acoustics of the voice, well, in my case. I hate making recordings of my voice and video tapes cause my voice sounds stupid; its utterly frustrating; people not hearing your real inner-voice. When this becomes a daily practice as advanced as LASIK surgery, with a majority of positive results, I'll rise to the occasion.

Posted by Dan at 2005/07/12 02:56:37.

If only this kind of surgery existed. Hopefully it will soon someday. Trust me i could use this kind of surgery. I hate my voice. It is too deep for oters to hear what Im saying; plus I hate repeating myself 3 times. My mom says I have a handsome voice. I say Bull$*#?!!! A lot of my peers like to make fun of my voice for sheer entertainment, including some of my friends, which are no more. If I were to have such a surgery done, I would want to have my voice recorded, so that I could tell when Im satisfied. It would kind of be like tuning a guitar, which I know nothing about, but can kinda paint a picture. I really hate when my sister might find me singing to a song I like (Thinking she is Simon Cowel or some s$%t) and say "you can't sing,ok" What a B#@%h. Anyway, I think this surgery could raise my self esteem through the course of positive results. My peers would take me more seriously, and women would find me attractive.

Posted by Dan at 2005/07/12 15:21:09.

If only this kind of surgery existed. Hopefully it will soon someday. Trust me i could use this kind of surgery. I hate my voice. It is too deep for oters to hear what Im saying; plus I hate repeating myself 3 times. My mom says I have a handsome voice. I say Bull$*#?!!! A lot of my peers like to make fun of my voice for sheer entertainment, including some of my friends, which are no more. If I were to have such a surgery done, I would want to have my voice recorded, so that I could tell when Im satisfied. It would kind of be like tuning a guitar, which I know nothing about, but can kinda paint a picture. I really hate when my sister might find me singing to a song I like (Thinking she is Simon Cowel or some s$%t) and say "you can't sing,ok" What a B#@%h. Anyway, I think this surgery could raise my self esteem through the course of positive results. My peers would take me more seriously, and women would find me attractive.

Posted by Dan at 2005/07/12 15:21:32.

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