Fish Shop

Posted on 2003/09/05 13:25:36 (September 2003) by john.

I'm sure this must have been done before, but...

Feeling in a bit of a Monty Python mood, I thought I'd wile away a few minutes pointlessly turning Monty Python's Cheese Shop sketch, into a Fish Shop instead.

Here is the result:

(a customer walks in the door.)

Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Fish Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
O: Peckish, sir?
C: Esuriant.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
O: Ah, hungry!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little sea dwelling vertebrate will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some fishy comestibles!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy some fish.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some fish please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little Skate.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Skate, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Bream?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Seabass, if you please.
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Ruby Snapper?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red Emperor?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Haddock?
O: Sorry.
C: Halibut? Turbot?
O: No.
C: Any Ochre-Striped Cardinal Fish, per chance.
O: No.
C: Carp?
O: No.
C: Ribbon Eel?
O: No.
C: Serpent Eel?
O: No.
C: Blue-Spot Goby?
O: No.
C: Diamond Scale Mullet?
O: No.
C: Herring?
O: No.
C: Sardines?
O: No.
C: Pike, Pollock, Plaice, Perch, Parrotfish, Pipehorse, Puffer, Pomfret, Potato Cod?
O: No.
C: Trout, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Trout, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit oily...
C: Oh, I like it oily.
O: Well,.. It's very oily, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the poisson de la Belle Mer! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit oilier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking oily it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........!
C: What now?
O: The cat's eaten it.
C: Has he.
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Salmon?
O: No.
C: Mackerel?
O: No.
C: Catfish?
O: No.
C: Dogfish?
O: No.
C: Japanese Bullheaded Shark?
O: No, sir.
C: You...do *have* some fish, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a fish shop, sir. We've got--
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Monkfish.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Monkfish, that's my name.

(pause)

C: Swordfish?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Tuna?
O: no
C: Dover Sole,
O: no
C: Herrings,
O: no
C: Spotfin Squirrelfish,
O: no
C: Lemon Sole,
O: no
C: Kippers,
O: no
C: Eastern Blue-Spotted Flathead?
O: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Cod?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular fish in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: and what IS the most popular fish 'round hyah?
O: 'Flounder, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh...'Flounder, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay.
'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a fish shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by fish....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Whitebait, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be....
C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
O: Told you sir....
C: (slowly) Have you got any Whitebait?
O: No.
C: Figures.
Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any fish here at all.
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-0, sir.

The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.

C: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

Speaking of Python, I see Cormorants are in the news today (apparently there're too many of them, and they're eating all the fish - thus annoying anglers). However, it didn't say whther they prefer Parrotfish or blue-spot Goby.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/09/08 08:29:57.

Hmmm.

Posted by John at 2003/09/08 11:08:38.

What do you mean, "Hmmm" ? Do you not remember the "Somebody has been rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant" sketch?

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/09/08 13:00:30.

"You lot need girlfriends"

Posted by Rob Lang at 2003/09/08 16:11:21.

You're no fun any more.

Posted by John at 2003/09/08 16:48:50.

He wanks as high as any in Wome!

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/09/09 09:14:33.

mont python is good,this is not

Posted by mark at 2004/07/23 18:34:42.

ot5ksviteipqzhey

Posted by Sheri Jensen at 2008/11/13 02:23:03.

Post a comment