Irritating Facts

Posted on 2003/09/29 14:48:37 (September 2003) by john.

The sort that make you want to give up ever learning anything ever.

As a young child I recall thinking it was quite fun to learn new things and find out about the world we live in. That is, until people started to tell me stupid irritating facts that were enfuriatingly counter-intuitive, and, more frustrating still, were only told to you in the first place because they went so wholly against the grain of all that is good and reasonable. We really need a word for these kinds of facts, as they all seem to fall into a similar category, and provoke a similarly vexed response when uttered.

These paragons of misguidance are often from the same unbearably annoying school of thought as the sort of people that approach you mid-crisis and use possibly the most irritating phrase in the English language: "No, that's the worst thing you can do". For example, you've spilled some wine on your shirt and naturally get a cloth to dab it off. Some enfuriating know-it-all at your dinner party (who you didn't really want to invite in the first place) then makes out that apparently this is going to just make it set or some such bollocks. The thing is, dabbing it with a cloth is in no way the worst thing you could do. That would be, say, getting a pair of scissors and cutting out the section that was stained, or attempting to cover it with Tippex, or trying to burn the wine off with a blow torch, or randomly attacking everyone at the table with a large knife, cutting off their arms, and allowing them to spray blood all over your shirt as well. Now that would be a bugger to clean.

Anyway, to return to irritating facts. Convinced that such wicked utterances in fact have no basis whatsoever in science and are concocted merely for the general irritation of the human race, I shall present some of the howling ludicracies I have been told over the years, and attempt to explain why they reek so heavily of sheerest folly.

Tea contains more caffeine than coffee. This has to be the epitomy of irritating facts. I don't care if you go and get out your "My first chemistry set", and prove to me that there is a higher percentage of the chemical caffeine in tea than coffee, this simply can not be true. Exhibit A. If I drink too much coffee, I can't sleep. I have sometimes had four mugs of tea in the space of just a couple of hours, and have never had any trouble sleeping as a result. Exhibit B. Old people drink lots of tea (and not generally very much coffee) and they doze off all the time for no good reason. All your scientfic results are meaningless in the face of such overwhelming real world experience. I thank that's one little coup put fairly safely to bed.

When it's hot, you need a hot drink to cool you down. No I bloody well don't. Apparently this is based in some nonsense theory about your internal body temperature and how this contrasts with the ambient temperature around you. Allegedly it is the contrast that makes you feel uncomfortable, so you actually want to increase your body temperature to be more like the outside temperature, or something. It's clearly bollocks. On a blazing hot day, every bone in my body cries out for a cold drink. That is what I want, that is what it is natural to want. This is what will and does make me feel refreshed. Hot drinks simply will not. Besides anything else, most hot drinks, because of their caffeine content (especially if you believe the previous nonsense about tea) act as a diuretic. So they'll dehydrate you, in which case you'll definitely suffer more in hot weather.

If you wear too much, you'll end up colder. On cold days, I have in the past been told I actually should take a layer or two off if I want to stay warm, because if I have too many layers, I'll sweat, then that sweat will get cold and conduct heat away from me. Although there is clearly some basis in a sort of (albeit shaky) science, I still feel like this is quite rediculous. If it is so cold in the first place that I've chosen to put on that many layers, the chances of me sweating are actuall pretty minimal. I struggle to believe that the human body is so bad at regulating it's own temperature that it'll end up sweating by accident when it is actually cold.

Tomatoes are not vegetables. Ok, I'll more or less accept this one, but I'd like to lay the blame at the feet of the original classifications. You don't get tomatoes in a fruit salad. You don't expect to find tomatoes in a summer fruits pudding, and you don't (or at least shouldn't be able to) get tomato flavoured ice cream. Whereas the fruit/vegatable line of classification might be useful to botanists, it is fairly awkward in a number of areas for the average person. So sort it out.

Peanuts are not nuts. OK, yea, so they grow underground or whatever. Why then do they have the bit-of-a-giveaway word "nut" in their name then? Why do bags of mixed nuts contain peanuts? Why are nut allergy sufferers just as allergic to peanuts as anything else?

Should I remember any more of these at a later date, I will add them here.

"My hangover isn't due to the amount of beer I drunk, it was down to not eating all day."

Bollocks! It was the seven pints of larger, three glasses of wine and a baileys that did it. The fact that there was no food involved probably didn't help, but even a mammoth meal was never going to soak that lot up...

Posted by tom at 2003/09/29 16:16:41.

Running around will make you warm. Bollocks it will. I remember being 13 years old, and having to play hockey. It was an all-weather pitch, so they'd make us play regardless of how cold it got. It was at the top of a hill, with nothing for a wind-break for a few hundred metres in any direction. During the winter months, it was was utterly, miserably cold. "Run around" the games teacher would helpfully advise, "You'll get warm". The guy would invariably wear a big, thick coat whilst saying this. And it never worked. Not once.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/09/30 13:27:40.

"Eating cheese before sleeping, causes nightmares." No, it does not.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/09/30 13:29:33.

Actually I have to disagree about the cheese thing. I have my best nightmares after a few slices of edam.

Posted by Kev at 2003/09/30 16:12:59.

But I thought that there was an equal amount of caffeine in both tea and coffee... [smirk]

Tea's got lots of other stuff in it though. Along with the caffeine there's proteins, carbs and fat. Then there's Potassium, Calcium, Zinc, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Vit B6, Folate etc. and blah.

Then again it all depends what type of tea or coffee you happen to be drinking. Your Happy Shopper and your Twinings are surely leagues apart in there definitions of good drinking. Hmmm, but regardless, surely the fact is cited in reference to the average cup of tea or coffee.

The average cup of tea's comprised of a different mix of chemicals than the average cup of coffee and therefore it does different things. That's simple enough really.

Posted by Rusty at 2003/09/30 16:24:34.

But can you not see the root of the problem? Surely the word "caffeine" derives from the word coffee in the same way "carotene" derives the word carrot.
It's like saying chickens taste more like apples than apples do.

Posted by John at 2003/09/30 16:50:37.

No it's not. It's more like saying that chickens have the potential to taste just as appley as apples; although most people wouldn't have considered that chicken could have such an appley tang. See?

Posted by Rusty at 2003/09/30 20:35:53.

While coffee and tea are both sources of caffeine, the amounts of caffeine in any single serving of these beverages varies significantly. An average serving of coffee contains the most caffeine, yet the same serving size of tea provides only 1/2 to 1/3 as much.(Ref.: Caffeine by The Institute of Food Technologists' Expert Panel on Food Safety & Nutrition.) One of the more confusing aspects of caffeine content is the fact that coffee contains less caffeine than tea when measured in its dry form. The caffeine content of a prepared cup of coffee is significantly higher than the caffeine content of a prepared cup of tea.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 08:59:17.

"An apple a day keeps the doctors at bay"

Rubbish! If you ate one apple a day, you'd starve. There's no protein in an apple and it also doesn't have enough water to keep you alive. It should be changed to:

"An apple a day keeps the doctors at bay, but the paramedics will cart you off to the local hospital by Wednesday."

Posted by Rob Lang at 2003/10/01 10:57:10.

I always thought that the apple was to used as a projectile. It makes much more sense that way.

Posted by Rusty at 2003/10/01 24:24:53.

"A bad workman always blames his tools." This isn't true either ... this is merely the case for the mildy-incompetent. For your *truly* bad workman, you'll find that he fails to realize (or accept) he's done anything wrong at all.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 24:50:28.

"All roads lead to Rome". Do I really need to dispute this one?

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 24:51:00.

"Ask and you shall receive." How often do *you* get the pay-rise you asked for?

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 24:51:57.

"Brain is better than brawn." Not in a pub-fight, it's not.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 24:52:52.

"Curiosity killed the cat." No. *I* killed the cat. I was diggin' up my garden, so I drowned it in the sink

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 24:53:48.

"Faith will move mountains." Really? Really, really? Really, really, *really*? I'm not convinced!

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 24:54:49.

"Many hands make light work." This is in direct conflict with "Too many cooks spoil the broth." *One* of them must be wrong!

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 24:56:52.

"Penny wise, pound foolish." Well, what about "Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves"? As above, they cannot both be true.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 24:58:02.

"Seek and ye shall find." I looked for my road-tax reminder for ages and ages this morning. Did I find it? Did I buggery!

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 24:58:37.

"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." All I can say is: my neighbour's garden is concreted.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 24:59:23.

"Where one door shuts, another opens." Only if there's some sort-of physical mechanism connecting the two. Or the wind blows through the house when you open them both at the same time, causeing one to slam. Oh, no, that *is* a physically-connecting mechanism, isn't it? I was right all along.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 13:01:14.

"You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." Maybe not, but you *can* make a very attractive novelty luggage-tag.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/01 13:02:01.

There's some real gems there Jimmy - thanks!

Posted by John at 2003/10/01 14:12:30.

How about "many a mickle makes a muckle". Let's attempt to formally prove this.
[mickle]
Now that's one mickle.
[mickle, mickle]
That's two mickles.
[mickle, mickle, mickle]
That's three mickles. If we continue on in this vein for a while we reach:
[mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle, mickle].
This is a lot of mickles, one might even say many a mickle, but it doesn't look much like a muckle, which looks more like this:
[muckle]

Posted by John at 2003/10/01 14:21:36.

"The pen is mightier than the sword"
Throughout history, armies are rarely armed with pens.

Posted by Rob Lang at 2003/10/01 15:24:23.

Hmm, my dad told me when I was a kid that if I wore my socks to sleep I would dream of tigers and they would eat me. I think he has 'issues'. Oh and I never dreamed of tigers and they definitely did not eat me. I am not pissed right now.

Posted by Omar at 2003/10/01 23:34:07.

"A chain is no stronger than its weakest link." Well, in terms of cable construction, this is true, but only if it is made from links. However, with multistrand cable, it is many times stronger than its strongest link. An interesting proverb, because it is generally applied to people, groups, teams etc. but it broadly inapplicable. The suggestion is that every member has to bear the full weight of keeping the group funtion correctly ... but actually we share it.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/02 13:00:22.

"Barking dogs seldom bite." Surely this is madness?

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/02 13:02:20.

"Better late than never." What use is a cold pizza?

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/02 13:02:48.

"Bitter pills may have blessed effects." But more likely they are cyanide and will kill you.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/02 13:03:14.

"Every cloud has a silver lining." Well perhaps, but we're looking at effect here, not cause. In my experience, it's more a case of every silver lining having a cloud.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/02 13:05:37.

"He who laughs last laughs longest." I don't dispute this, but I can say that, by and large, I'm happy to laugh penultimately, and for a reasonably long time.

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/02 13:06:35.

At the risk of sounding pedantic, I think there is some logic in "barking dogs seldom bite" given that physically a dog cannot both bark and bite at the same time. Therefore a dog which is biting you is categorically not a barking dog (although it may be a dog which has been known to bark at other times).

Posted by John at 2003/10/02 13:23:04.

Perhaps these sayings need to be issued with some kind of end user license agreement, laying down strict and unambigous terms and conditions for how, when and where they can be used.

Posted by John at 2003/10/02 13:45:02.

Brilliant! An EULA for proverbs ... that would be superb. But would it spawn proverbs of its own? Like "Always read the EULA on your proverbs". Or "It's like the proverbial proverbial EULA" (assuming that the proverb-EULA itself became proverbial). And how would *that* proverb be licensed? The mind boggles ...

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/02 14:40:05.

"You can't teach old dogs new tricks" - does that mean if a mangy old German Shepard tried the "sawing a lady in half" trick it would have rather messy results because it can't quite get the knack of it? It would explain why Crufts doesn't have a magic section..and I always though it was for the lack of opposable thumbs.

Posted by Mike at 2003/10/03 13:55:27.

I agree with Jimmy if "All roads lead to Rome" why doesn't every one live on Rome Road?

Posted by Mike at 2003/10/03 13:55:45.

That's not Mike Owen, is it?!?!?!

Posted by Jimmy at 2003/10/03 14:32:47.

Yup

Posted by Mike at 2003/10/03 14:34:34.

"A stitch in time saves nine". Wtf?? I guess that has some background info on its origins, to make it clear. But unless a person has some kind of reference to, err, reference when its said, then its useless no? Cuz dude, seriously, if someone said that to me and I wasn't already familiar with the background on it.... well... what? I am still not pissed, btw. Honest. -Hic-

Posted by Omar at 2003/10/04 12:47:05.

"You can't teach old dogs new tricks"

Well I've just taught my missus to juggle and she's the thick end of thirty!

Posted by Karl at 2003/10/07 17:49:07.

Whilst in the supermarket just now, I was reminded of "look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves". I have a large pile of one and two pence pieces which I have on my desk, and have been very careful not to spend. Strangely though, I still have a four figure overdraft.

Posted by John at 2003/10/07 22:13:05.

The tone of this website is far too high for internet standards, so i will fix that!
What about the old Nugget , "If you masturbate too much you will go blind"
to me that sounds more like a challenge than anything else. the phrase should pehaps be, "If you masturbate too much and pay too little attention as to where you "aim" you could blind yourself!" although that is a bit of a *sniggers* mouthful.

Posted by Glennbo at 2003/10/18 21:08:13.

jImmy gimme your number!

Posted by Melinda at 2004/08/05 01:21:08.

hi!

Posted by shaun at 2007/09/09 15:11:49.

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