Superhuman PhDs

Posted on 2004/01/06 11:42:40 (January 2004) by rob.

"You've got a doctorate and you can't even..."

I want a superhuman PhD. I want to study for 3 years and be able to do achieve anything in the world. In fact, I want all that society has promised me in getting a PhD because society clearly thinks that a PhD makes you superhuman. The irritation occurs when you make some sort of human error or there is something you cannot do that someone (without a PhD) can, they often remark: You've got a doctorate/PhD and you can't even ...". Well, clearly I cannot. You've got me there. But 'people' expect you to be some font of all knowledge and master of every ability. Well, I don't and I'm not. I know about a small section of AI and I can do research. That's what a PhD is. So get over it. It's beginning to make my PhD feel like a mixed blessing as everyone requires so much more from you. They expect you to be able to count to 23492743 in under a second while juggling 6 coffee tables. I thought having a PhD would mean that I wouldn't have to bloody do any of this anymore.

What is it about a doctorate that makes people think you can solve world peace or know about every fact of life on earth? "You've got a doctorate and can't recite the cast of Eastenders!" Well, funnily enough, my Doctorate wasn't in crappy BBC soap operas. Or even "You've got a PhD and you're phoning me about how long to boil an egg?". Yes, I am. I'm bloody well am because I can't bloody remember. I'd rather remember stuff about Neural Networks. So pigging well tell me or I'll slit your face.

They are probably thinking "Oooh, I've caught out a PhD, I'm so bloody clever". No, you're not. I catch myself out hundreds of times a day! Last month, while I was on my way to work, I found myself standing on platform 5 to London, not 4B to Gatwick. Christ knows how I got there - autopilot from my cadet travel. I turn the wrong hob on the cooker as a matter of course and leave my wallet in different pairs of trousers at random. Catching me out is so bloody easy, I wouldn't even bother. Seeing as they think they are so damn clever, perhaps these irritating sods should spend their time more constructively trying to work out how Geller bends spoons.

I'm determined to come up with some replies. However, most sound really acidic or just overly pompous. They also fly ever so far over their heads that you might as well be talking to a brick.

Question: "You've got a PhD and you cannot even set the video timer?"
Response: "Can you mathematically represent complex nonlinear Markovian dynamics?"

Question: "You've got a PhD and you don't know who Mr. Bloggs is?"
Response: "Do you know who Kohonen is?"

So, I have given up with answers like that and now have decided to take the Monty Python Route and confuse the bastards instead:

Question: "You've got a PhD and you still forget your umbrella?"
Response: "I blame it on the giant, inflatable, electric buffalo and his troupe of dancing trees."

This, I feel is the best way. While their brain is working out whether you actually just said what you did, you can change the topic of conversation. I like to think that the more bizarre you are, the stranger your retorts, the less you make sense - the more you win. Never give up.

Alternatively, next time someone 'catches me out' and make it sound like they've caught me fellating a white Ford Transit, I'm going to punch them in the face.

I particularly like the wheeze of using Monty Python text because whilst they are wondering whether they really heard right, you can beat a hasty retreat - whistling!

Posted by Mad Mumsie at 2004/01/06 14:42:48.

What do you want? Sympathy?

Posted by Jimmy at 2004/01/07 24:44:40.

I want people to appreciate that having a PHD is a bit like having a damocles sword hanging over you.

Posted by Rob Lang at 2004/01/07 13:47:10.

ah, but the free flight upgrades must be worth it at least? I meanwhile have quite mine, after three years hard slog. And I'm happy happy happy to just walk away.

Posted by Kirsty at 2004/01/14 14:25:32.

You've got a PhD and you can't even play guitar, write your own role playing game, run an ATC squadron, make people laugh and put put some really professional graphic design work? Oh yeah. You can.

Posted by tom at 2004/01/16 18:47:24.

I'd like to walk away, but I have these bloody corrections!

Tom, what's your point?

Posted by Rob Lang at 2004/01/23 16:47:08.

Well.. I guess I was trying to say that you can actually shoot them down in a second. :-)

Posted by tom at 2004/01/23 17:28:00.

Ahh the free flight upgrades for a Dr ruse! Never used it so far as I am afraid that some trolley dolly will attempt to die on the plane and I will be asked to save them. "Excuse me, are you a doctor?" "Fuck off. you haven't given me any more Gin. If he dies can I have his?". Ah the stress of it all.

Posted by Roger Mellie at 2004/02/05 22:14:59.

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