On Ice

Posted on 2004/10/08 09:59:31 (October 2004) by john.

Why stop at Disney....?

Recently I have seen a couple of adverts for "Disney on Ice" shows - I think the most recent one is Toy Story 2. Seemingly the idea here is to recreate the story with people dressed up in costumes looking like the cartoon characters, whilst whizzing about on ice skates. Some feature of this must have trickled into my subconcious, as I found myself this morning having one of those half awake dreams about other possibilities for "On Ice" productions.

The first one to pop into my head was Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ, On Ice, or perhaps The Passion of the Chr-ice-d. I've always thought that the whole business of Jesus getting crucified just for telling people to be nice to each other made for a rather dreary end to an otherwise promising story. Imagine how the whole thing could be uplifted if, during the bit where Mr. Christ has to carry his cross up to the hill, he is in fact gliding along on ice skates. Particularly good would be the bit where that Saint-wossisname-bloke comes along and offers to shoulder his burden - imagine what a spectacle that could be as they collide at high speed and swap over a bloody great bit of wood. I bet Torvil and Dean never did that!

Next up, in a similar vein of depressing films which really need lightening up a bit, is Schindler's List On Ice. Imagine the joy at watching all those plucky Jews escape those nasty oppressive Nazis because that nice old Mr. Schindler had kindly provided them all with ice skates.

One film that some might suggest needs no tampering with is Aliens, but just considered the huge potential for Aliens On Ice. Imagine those happy-go-lucky colonists skating along, all care free, when all of a sudden their chests explode and these delightful little alien life forms fly out, with little ice skates of their own, doing a sort of pirhouette upon landing, amongst the blood and scattered entrails which now cover the ice rink.

The more rediculous side of my creative mind wants to suggest Jurassic Park On Ice, although after the previous three high brow productions, this may only serve to cheapen the whole genre.

Some of those Jane Austen films could be improved in this manner. Take for example, Pride and Prejud-Ice. For the maximum impact though, I think they'd have to be sharing the ice rink with two ice hockey teams playing a game. Every now and again Miss Bennet or Mr. Darcy would get knocked over by an ice hockey player, part way through a protracted bit of circumlocution.

I for one enjoy nothing more than the simple hilarity of seeing large primates on ice skates. As such another good contender could be Gorillas in the Mist On Ice. Or similarly Planet of the Apes On Ice.

I'm sure there are many more possibilities out there.

I really don't find your comments very amusing. I think it is perfectly obvious that Miss Bennet is not of a skating bent.

Posted by Mr. Darcy at 2004/10/08 11:30:20.

No, you've got that wrong Mr. Darcy - not nearly indirect enough. Where you wrote:

"I really don't find your comments very amusing."

What you really wanted to say was more along the lines of:

Despite my temperment of late having encouraged me that an open-mindedness towards the sense of humour of a gentleman such as yourself would be somewhat beneficial to a better understanding of my fellow man, I have, notwithstanding, began to nurture the opinion that I indeed do not find amusement in your words, such as they are, to the extent that I might even be inclined, aware of my lack of expertise in this field, to suggest that those things you have said are indeed not actually of a humorous nature whatsoever.

Posted by John at 2004/10/08 24:34:53.

You must forgive me if, in my writing, I seemed to be terse. However, I felt it did not benefit my position to dignify your remarks with a more verbose response.

Posted by Mr. Darcy at 2004/10/08 13:04:48.

I would like to see Torvil and Dean doing "of Ice and Men". I think Christopher having similar mental faculties would be a wonderful Lenny. Plus I am sure we would all cheer when Jayne (playing George) shoots him in the finale. One look at her hard bitten visage convinces me she would relish the role.

Posted by Mike at 2004/10/08 14:01:53.

I think they should reinact Nazi War Atocities - On Ice.

Posted by Rob Lang at 2004/10/08 14:15:48.

... or perhaps a skating version of the classis Dead Kennedys' "Plastic Surgery Disasters - On Ice".

Posted by Jimmy at 2004/10/08 17:11:47.

I'll take Vodka and orange juice on ice.

Posted by Karl at 2004/10/11 14:00:02.

What about Scott of the Antarctic on Ice?

Posted by dsp at 2004/10/12 09:19:55.

What about a modern musical about cryogenics called "Freeze Me". You could put that on Ice.

Posted by Rob Lang at 2004/10/13 11:33:23.

It doesn't sound like it would get a very warm reception... boom boom.

Posted by John at 2004/10/19 13:47:41.

Maison-de-stuff, on ice. I can see the whole ice rink having been painted with a huge moon on the stick logo.

Posted by tom at 2004/10/19 17:32:55.

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