Lorenzo Pirisino
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The Bridge of Khazad-Dum

Posted on 2006/11/02 09:28:52 (November 2006).

[1st November 2006]

For all the non Lord of the Rings readers/lovers, the bridge of Khazad-dum is a tiny narrow bridge that the company of the ring (the good guys) must cross to get to the exit of a big dungeon.
On this bridge a massive fight ensue with a powerful creature and eventually everyone flees leaving one guy fighting the monster and eventually killing it, but loosing his life himself (or so it seems).
A great metaphor for results that cost dearly.

Common sense places bridges under the spotlight every time we need to make decisions or we need to do things that involve moving from a side to another.

Today, I went to see Marta at her place, just for the afternoon, I drove more than 700 kilometers to go to speak with her.
As you might understand it was no happy reunion, since Monday, as a matter of fact, there have been problems, mostly linked to the fact that Marta is feeling extremely unhappy about our situation.

In the past I had expressed such feelings myself, while we were living up north I felt that the whole situation was having quite a bad impact on the relationship that was comparable to the one of a couple that had been married for a long time...

When I decided to go back to Florence, Marta moved to a different place, closer to her job, and we decided to see how things would work out in the first period, before committing to anything bigger.
It was always me telling her that I wouldn't want her to come to Florence with me, that it was not the right thing to do immediately after I moved.
I wanted to wait a bit, with all the logistical problems annexed to this decision, to see if it was really all roses and flowers, or if the relationship was not to continue.

Unfortunately in the past two months, since I moved back, I can hardly say that I have had a "real" life, I am still living in my mum's place, everything is still quite difficult under every point of view.

We haven't seen each other a lot, but that's more because of the practical problems than anything.

Anyways, Marta feels that she cannot continue living by herself without a certainty in the near future (getting married), it makes her suffer and it's getting more of a bigger burden every day.

I cannot think about getting married at the moment, there is far too much going on in my life now, this was expected, and I don't feel ready to make this kind of commitment.

Positions are hardly reconcilable by the looks of it.

I will skip over the emotional descriptions and stuff, it was clear that neither of us wants to really be apart.
The fact is that even if she wasn't here physically, Marta has been with me all the time, and maybe I wasn't thinking of her all day, but the notion that she was with me was enough sometimes to make me calm.

Yesterday, for the second time in a quite short time, I had to come to terms with the fact that she might not be there anymore, and of course I am not happy about it, it makes me really sad.
On the other side it was me deciding to go away. I cannot feel shame for seeking an happier life for myself, and so far moving back to Florence has been an improvement in my daily routine.

The final decision was to let a couple of days pass, then we will speak over the phone again and we will decide if it is the case of "taking a break" or not.
Maybe two or three months, the easy way out.
Yes, we are not eighteen anymore, we know perfectly well that it means that most probably after that period the relationship will be over, although there are chances that it might actually be stronger.

I have asked her if she wanted to come to Florence in my new house, being there yesterday made me realize that I do miss having her around, I miss the daily life together.
Of course the extent of this move are quite big as she has to leave the new job, move here, find a new job in Florence...
But the problem remains, I cannot promise engagements and rings out of the box.

I put so little meaning into marriages and rings, I could live happily with a person, make a family and all, without having to go through all of this.
She feels exactly the opposite, and she doesn't trust my offer, as for a long time I told her that I didn't want her to come to Florence with me right away, but maybe after a while.

Anyways she refused and surely this is the wisest decision, time will tell, my brain was fuming yesterday night, it was really hard to drive under those conditions, so I should be happy that I made it home.

But I can't help to feel quite empty, the hardest thing to swallow is that once again she suffers because of me, it's really one of the worst feelings I have ever had, to make suffer someone you care a lot about...

Comment 1

Hi Lox. I wouldn't dream of giving advice (I am no expert myself!) but my instinct tells me this: If I have to choose between a Job or a Woman, the Woman would win every time! They really are rather nice! :)))

As for your new career though; yes that is emotionally draining too. Perhaps precisely what you need is the emotional refuge your lady can offer. The support and help at your right hand...

Posted by Nigel at 2006/11/02 09:56:53.

Comment 2

All I can offer is the (bordering on meaningless) Japanese proverb: jinsei iro iro.

"Life is various"

Posted by John at 2006/11/02 13:31:11.

Comment 3

Marta needs to know that you cannot live without her. 'Having her around' is not enough! She should find someone else. (How does that make you feel?)

Posted by Tim's mum at 2006/11/02 13:45:22.

Comment 4

I'm sorry if my last comment sounded unkind but I wanted to 'shake up your thoughts'. I sympathise with you both.

Posted by Tim's mum at 2006/11/02 19:52:59.

Comment 5

TM: No worries! It's what I needed I have been thinking about what you wrote for the whole day, it's really hard homeworks! It's quite difficult to describe my feelings at the moment, I still have in mind Marta's face and all the times spent together and it feels totally incredible that it might end...

Posted by Lox at 2006/11/02 22:46:17.

Comment 6

In my opinion, you are little selfish... I think... I'm a 19-year-old girl and I now have a boyfriend. I really love him and I want to marriage with him even I'm a teenager, so I sympathise with only Marta. How do you think about the time you have spent with Marta? I think you have to think about it again.

Posted by Kyohei GF at 2006/11/04 11:33:53.

Comment 7

Why doesn't this work properly?

Posted by John at 2006/11/15 16:32:40.

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